I stared at this page for a long time. I started a couple of different blogs before I came back to this blank page. I even left it for a week before revisiting it. I have a million messy thoughts meandering through my mind. For once, I don’t want to share my thoughts because it’s not pretty. For the past couple of months I’ve felt overwhelming weakness, weariness and wimpiness. I've felt pressed against on all sides. I’ve seen strongholds in my life painfully stripped away. But as certain things are stripped away I’ve noticed they are being replaced with a hunger for what God has to offer. Tiffany-made material is stripped away and replaced with satisfaction in God-made motives. As I’m being chiseled away the remaining crevices are filled with desires for more of God’s word, His people and the Holy Spirit’s activity. I’ve realized I find comfort and affirmation in every other relationship in my life except for my relationship with God. I’ve struggled to remain committed to God’s healing in my life, because I rather continue to avoid the pain in my past than face my fears and peel back those fear layers to reveal the root problem. I’ve been told you are either running towards something in life or running away from something, and I’ve had more than my fair share of days ready to bolt. I straddle the line of leaning into healing and the victory that manifests in vulnerability and lunging towards the limited, listless life. It’s the easy way out to shrink back into a world of comfort and stability when you are being beckoned into a world of wild obedience. Yes, every fiber in my being wants to run in the opposite direction, but God continues to reel me back in. I pray that I will remain steadfast, believing in the areas where I feel the most opposition is the area where God will find the most victory eventually. Oh, but It’s the eventually that consumes me with fear and doubt. How long will I live with this internal turmoil? This internal tug on my heart to recoil in fear or step out in faith? I know God will not leave me in this season, but it’s been a struggle for me to perserverve as He begins to expose every part of my life that I’ve tragically tried to control. As he brings to light the things I’ve kept hidden in the recesses of my mind and heart. Suppress instead of address has been my motto. I feel like I’m walking up the escalator in the opposite direction. My steps are futile as I keep marching without making any progress. I picture myself dragging my weighted feet through the muddy messes in my life as I begrudgingly put one foot of faith in front of the other and wait on God to renew my strength. Soon, He will fling off the muddy filth on my feet and take me on a flight towards freedom. I’ve tasted the freedom before. The best is yet to come. Soon. Eventually.
In my not too distant past, my weekends consisted of absurd amounts of time at bars drinking copious amounts of alcohol to numb my pain and make me feel “alive." Have you heard the term beer goggles? They were a pertinent part of my ensemble on the weekends and I wore them proudly. Once I started drinking, the last guy that should get my attention at the bar became the first one on my radar. You know, the guy your mom always warned you about. The one you should run away from in the opposite direction, but I was attracted like a flying insect to a bug zapper. It's sucky (for lack of a better word) to reflect on this part of my past. I am thankful that God can take my nights of drunken debauchery and use it to show me His grace goggles. You see, the two are completely different yet uniquely the same. When I saw life through my beer goggles God saw me through His grace goggles. For those that aren’t familiar, beer goggles come into play after consuming alcohol. What once was ugly appears attractive. It just blows me away that without God’s grace I am ugly, wicked, and evil but when His eyes see me through grace goggles I am His princess, His righteousness, His Heir and co-heir with Christ, His temple, and His masterpiece made in His image. God sees me as I should be, not as I am. I am free of condemnation. |
AuthorI am just a beautifully broken woman trying to live a life of wild obedience. Archives
December 2015
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